Jokes

Funny pictures, jokes, website links, put 'em all in here!

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ChuckLiddell
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Jokes

Post by ChuckLiddell » Tue Jan 02, 2007 9:50 am

Hi people, i'll be putting jokes in this section. Here's a few jokes to start off with:


What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a piranha? Your last blow job.

Why are near-sighted gynaecologists like puppies? They both have wet noses.

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hang onto your nuts; this is no ordinary blow job.
Last edited by ChuckLiddell on Thu Jan 11, 2007 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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blazedsubaru
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Post by blazedsubaru » Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:38 am

Why are cheap women like hurricanes?

When they come they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house.


What does a southern divorce and a hurricane have in common?

Either way someone's losing a trailer.
How you do that? I call it dope by magic. This dope by magic got me rich as I want to be...
My baby..
[img]http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j138/awdfwd/avatarwrx.jpg[/img]

ChuckLiddell
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Post by ChuckLiddell » Wed Jan 03, 2007 11:14 am

i've heard the first one hehe. Here's some more:

If you call nuts on a wall 'walnuts' and nuts on your chest 'chestnuts', then what do you call nuts on your chin?

A blow job!

What do christmas trees and priests have in common?

The balls are just for decoration.

What's the difference between a pay cheque and a penis?

You never have to persuade a woman to blow your pay cheque.

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blazedsubaru
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Post by blazedsubaru » Wed Jan 03, 2007 12:45 pm

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
About 20 pounds.

A man goes into the doctor and the doctor asks for a semen sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample to run some tests. The man says "Doc, I'm in a hurry, can't I just give you my underwear?"
How you do that? I call it dope by magic. This dope by magic got me rich as I want to be...
My baby..
[img]http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j138/awdfwd/avatarwrx.jpg[/img]

ChuckLiddell
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Post by ChuckLiddell » Fri Jan 05, 2007 5:35 pm

Here's some more:


Have you heard there's a new bra on the market called a Sheepdog?

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.



Did you hear about the ward sister nicknamed Appendix?

All the surgeons took her out.


What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

Night and day.

Did you hear about the girl who asked her boyfriend to kiss her somewhere dirty?

He drove her to a coal mine.

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Ziggy
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Post by Ziggy » Wed Jan 24, 2007 10:45 pm

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

-----

A guy comes across a genie. Rubs the lamp and the genie pops out.
The genie says "For every wish you make, your ex-wife will get twice what you received"
The guy says okay.
Guy - "My first wish is for a million dollars"
Genie - "Okay" *poof* "You have a million, your ex wife has two million. What is your next wish?"
Guy - "My second wish is for a lambourgini"
Genie" - "Okay" *poof* "You have your car, your wife now owns two. What is your next wish?"
Guy - "Now i want you to beat me half to death"

-----

A guy walks into a doctors office. The doctor ask him what the problem is. The guy says, before i show you, you have to promise me that you wont laugh, giggle, or make any comments. Ive been to 3 doctors before you and they all laughed at me.
The doctor puts a stern look on his face and says in a very serious voice, you have my word on my practice as a doctor that i will not laugh in the slightest at you.
So the guy drops his pants and the doctor sees the tinest dick he has ever seen in his life. No where near as big as his pinkie finger.
The doctor stiffles a few laughs, then gives up and drops to the floor clutching his gut in laughter.
After about 15min, the doctor regains his composure, sits back up and apologizes for his rude outburst. The doctor then says, so what seems to be the problem?
The guy says "It's swollen"
Check Link: Flex Your Rights - Citizens Guide to Surviving Police Encounters
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqMjMPlXzdA

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Post by thynamebejesus » Tue Feb 27, 2007 11:09 pm

One day, a boy named Jimmy Jr. and his grandfather are sitting on the porch, just relaxing. Jimmy looks over at grandpa, and sees him smoking a cigar.
He says, "Geez grandpa, that cigar looks mighty delicious! Can I try it?",
to which grandpa responds, "Well Jr., can you touch your pee pee to your butt hole?"
Surprized, Jr. says "Gosh grandpa, I don't think I can..."
"Well Jr., you tell me when you can, and I'll let you have my cigar."

The next day, Jr. and grandpa are sitting out on the porch again, just relaxing. Jr. looks over, and sees grandpa drinking a beer. Jr. says
"Geez grandpa, that beer looks mighty delicious! Can I try it?",
and grandpa says, "Well Jr., can you touch your pee pee to your butt hole?"
Sadly, Jr. replies, "Well Gosh grandpa, I don't think I can..."
"Well Jr., you tell me when you can, and I'll let you have my cigar."

The next day, grandpa and Jr. are out on the lake, fishing. Grandpa hears bags rustling, so he looks over to see what all the commotion is. He sees Jr. hunched over, eating a bag of cookies. He says,
"Hey Jr., those sure look mighty delicious! Do you mind if I have one?"
Jr. responds, "Well grandpa, can you touch your pee pee o your butt hole?"
"Why yes I can, as a matter of fact!" grandpa retorts with a triumphant grin.
"Good then go fuck yourself cuz these cookies are MINE!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a lady with no arms and no legs sitting on a beach, crying her eyes out. A man comes along, and stops to see what's wrong with her.
Concerned, he says, "Hey, why are you crying?"
"Well," she sniffles, "I've never been hugged before..."
The man replies "I think I can help with that," and hugs her.

A little while later, the man walks by again, only to see that the lady is crying again.
"What's wrong now?" says the man.
"Well, I've never been kissed before..." says the lady shyly.
"I think I can help with that," the man says, and kisses her.

A little while later, the man walks by, an the lady is crying again.
A bit agitated, the man says, "What's wrong this time?"
"Well, I've never had sex before..." comes her reply.
The man sighs, and says"I think I can help with that," he then picks her up, throws her in the ocean, and yells, "Well, you're fucked now, aren't ya?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat, and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a few short ones:
Q: What kind of cheese isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday!

I know a lot more, but I don't feel like typing any more :D

SmotPoker
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Post by SmotPoker » Mon Mar 05, 2007 11:20 pm

lol these are awesome!! keep 'em coming!
-SmotPoker A.K.A Bongmaster Extraordinaire -
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