stoner jokes

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stoner jokes

Post by Weedguru Higher » Tue Dec 13, 2005 11:20 pm

Q. What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A. Politicians don’t inhale...they just suck.

Did you hear about the stoners that locked their keys in the car ? It took them two hours to get out.

Q. How do you get a one armed hippie out of a tree ?
A. You pass him a joint.

Q. What do you get when you eat marijuana ?
A. A pot belly

Q. What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs ?
A. Double jointed.

Two stoners are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls. One says to the other i sure wish i could do that. The other stoner says you better get to know him better first.

Q. How do fish party ?
A. Seaweed.

Q. Hear about the stoner who put his condom on backwards ?
A. He went.

Q. What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
A. Malnutrition.

Q. What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A. A Liar.

Q. How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A. When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.

Stoner good fortune: When you are cleaning your room and find some hooch you forgot about.

Stoner Pick-up Line: Hey i have a 9 inch joint.

You might be a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes.

There is a thin line between love and hate. Its starts about halfway through the joint.

Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of good pot.

Q. What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner ?
A. The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will wait for it to turn green.

Q. Why did the pot head plant cheerios ?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.

Two stoners were walking and saw a fly on a pile of crap. One stoner says to the other- Wow he had to go bad.

The stoner went to a bar. He has’nt had any nookie in awhile. He saw this chick leaning on the cigarette machine in a dark corner and decided to talk to her. Hey baby i know this is a little forward but i dont get out much so im willing to take a chance. Why dont me and you go to your place and get stoned, maybe cuddle and make a little whoopie. She looked up at the stoner and said - I cant right now, im on my menstrual cycle. The stoner scratched his head and thought for a second - it’s ok I’ll follow you, I’m on my honda.
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Post by Weedguru Higher » Tue Dec 13, 2005 11:23 pm

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday this is all a lie will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."

Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Wave.

You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?

Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President.

Q: What's the point of a weed wacker? A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!

A: stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!
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Post by Weedguru Higher » Tue Dec 13, 2005 11:25 pm

This is a story to tell someone when they're high.
Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good Friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.
Late one night in the middle of the day, two dead soldiers got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, pulled out their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, got up and shot the twice dead boys. If you don't believe me, ask the blind man who saw it all, through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.

Two stoners were sitting around smoking a bong. All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door. About half an hour later, the first stoner said, "Did you hear someone knocking, man?"Another half hour went by, and the second stoner said, "yeah, man, I heard someone knocking."Half an hour later, the first stoner said, "Do you think we should answer the door, man?"After another half hour, the second stoner said, "Yeah, you should go answer the door."So, half an hour later, the first stoner got up and answered the door.Forty-five minutes later, a third stoner said, "Man, you guys were fast."


One day, I was really stoned and drunk at a friend's house. I walked up to her and said, "You need to pick your weed up, man. Someone is going to trip on it."


A stoner was walking down the street one day with his dog. It was very hot outside so he tied his dog under a tree and went into a bar for a cold beer.
Meanwhile a little old lady complained to two RCMP officers that two dogs were going at it outside of the bar. The officers went inside the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied up outside?"
"I do," said the stoner.
"Do you know that your dog is in heat?" said one officer.
"No he ain't man, I tied him up under a big tree," said the stoner.
"No, I mean that your dog's needin' bred," said the officer.
"Shit," said the stoner, "I just fed him half an hour ago."
"No, no you stupid ass," said the cop. "I mean your dog needs to get fucked."
The stoner thought for a moment and said, "Well go right ahead, I always wanted a police dog."


A stoner is standing in front of a pop machine when a man walks up behind him. The stoner puts his money in the machine, pushes the button, then takes the pop out and sets it on the ground. Again, the stoner puts his money in the machine, pushes the button, and takes the pop out of the machine to set it on the ground. This goes on for about 5 minutes before the man waiting to get something to drink says, "What the HELL are you doing?!?" The stoner turns around and says, "Duh! I'm WINNING!"


Three hippies are sitting around smoking a joint. One says, "I am going to go take a bath."
He goes upstairs to the bathroom, fills up the bathtub, starts to get in the bathtub and then stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Hmmmmm, am I getting in or am I getting out?" So he sits there and thinks about it.
The second one says, "Well, he's been up there for awhile, I better go check on him." When he gets halfway upstairs he stops for a moment, and thinks to himself, "Am I going upstairs or am I going downstairs?" He stays there and thinks about it.
The third guy says, "I hope I never get blasted as much as those two, knock on wood!" So he knocks on the table and says, "Was that the front door or the back door?"
Last edited by Weedguru Higher on Tue Dec 13, 2005 11:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Weedguru Higher » Tue Dec 13, 2005 11:28 pm

Two old dudes are sittin' around coolin' it. One say to the other, "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout, Man?" "Oh, I was just reminiscin' 'bout Woodstock". "Man?!!? You wuz never at Woodstock!" Oh,... yeah".

Some stoned dude walks into the 7-11. He goes up to the man behind the counter and says "got any weed?" He says "no!" So the stoner leaves. The stoner comes back and asks the guy behind the counter "Hey you got any weed?" The man says "No I told you yesterday, we don't sell weed here." So the Stoner leaves again. The stoner walks in the next day and says "Got any weed?" The clerk behind the counter says, "Look you fuckin burnout we don't sell weed here, if you come in here again, I'm goin to nail your fuckin teeth to the floor!!!" So the stoner leaves. He comes in the next day. "You got any nails?" "No", the clerk replies. The stoner looks at him in the eyes and says, "You got any weed?"

This guy buys some really good stuff. he comes home, rolls a good-sized joint, and starts to decide where to hide the rest of the pot in his room. "Ok I'll hide it under the table," he says to himself. So he hides it under the table. then he thinks for a minute. "Wait if the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "............." And I'll be all fucked up. Well I'll hide it under the bed." ...then he thinks for a minute... "No, wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "............." "And I'd be all fucked up. Well, then I'll hide it on the bookshelf...But wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "No." "Do you have it..." "OH FUCK!!! WHERE DID I HIDE IT??........"

A stoner finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes." The stoner says, "I want a six-inch joint!" The genie says, "Okay!" POOF! They stuff a six-inch joint and smoke it between the two of them. "What's the second wish? asks the genie. "I want a twelve-inch joint," says the stoner. "Okay," says the genie. POOF! And they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. "And the third wish?" "I want a twenty-inch joint!!" POOOF!! So, they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. Finally, the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go." The genie takes a couple of steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."

There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.

These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk." The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room. The second guy says, "It's the women, i could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him. The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. he goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door. One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "i'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too. The devil then comes to the third door. he opens it and sees nothing has changed. the stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The Devil asks him if he's learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "You gotta light, man?"
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Post by Dr. Greenthumb » Wed Dec 14, 2005 2:10 am

:lol: the one about the donut seeds always cracks me up
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Post by Juicy J » Thu Dec 15, 2005 3:29 am

haha those were some good ones, got any more?
We smile wit dem gold teeth, I'm walkin wit a limp, smokin on a newport bumpin like a pimp.

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Post by pirate » Thu Dec 15, 2005 5:46 am

Weedguru Higher wrote: These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk." The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room. The second guy says, "It's the women, i could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him. The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. he goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door. One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "i'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too. The devil then comes to the third door. he opens it and sees nothing has changed. the stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The Devil asks him if he's learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "You gotta light, man?"
Brilliant!!!
www.adventuresindaytripping.blogspot.com


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Post by Martin » Wed Dec 21, 2005 11:22 am

Hahahahaha, all of those jokes made me crack up laughing. :lol:
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