Nothing but the jokes!

Funny pictures, jokes, website links, put 'em all in here!

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Gorecore
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Nothing but the jokes!

Post by Gorecore » Mon Mar 29, 2010 7:52 pm

For a humour/joke section...there really isn't a section JUST for jokes. Thought it'd be nice to have a sticky near the top to post your short or long jokes.

I'll start the ball rolling with a joke I heard when I was 13.

Why don't Lebanese people play hockey?

Because everytime they go into the corner, they open a store! :D
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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by Dr. Greenthumb » Wed Mar 31, 2010 5:21 pm

So a guy goes up to a man riding a horse. He says I bet you I can make your horse laugh. The rider agrees to the bet and the man takes the horse alone into a back alley.

When the man and the horse come back the horse can't stop laughing. The following days the horse will not stop laughing until the rider see the man again.

He asks the man to make the horse stop laughing because all the laughing was driving the rider crazy. The rider figures anything is better than the laughing and the man agrees to help him. Once again he takes the horse into the back alley.

This time when they come back the horse is sobbing uncontrollably. The rider asks the man how he is able to make the horse laugh and cry the way that he does.

The man says, "the first time i told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time i proved it"


sorry about the dirtiness of it guys...i heard it recently and it cracked me up
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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by WeedGuru_Flow » Thu Apr 01, 2010 1:37 pm

hehehe :p

the only one i know is:


A man walks into a lively bar, walks up to the counter and after ordering a few drinks tells the barman "I bet you a fifty dollars I can piss from here into a glass standing on that table without spilling a single drop" which was a couple of yards away. "Alright" the barman says, laughing his ass off.

So the guy takes out his ...hose, and starts pissing all over the place,on the floor,the seats,the stools,just about everywhere.

The barman hoots and laughs and says "haha, I knew you couldn't make it, you owe me fifty!" so the guy hands over the money to the barman with a bigass grin on his face, prompting the barman to ask him why.

The guy responds "well, i made a bet with everyone in this bar that I could piss all over your bar,and you'd laugh about it"



(okay so it comes from From Dusk Till dawn, but hey, it's good) or Desperado, i'm not sure.
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean, if Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we would all be running around darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music.

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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by Weedguru Higher » Thu Apr 01, 2010 5:35 pm

There's two farmers on a farm, and they just got a new animal. One farmers outside, and one is inside. The one outside comes in with a big cup of white liquid. He takes a big drink of it and excitedly says, I just milked the new cow. Then other farmer, with a troubled look on his face says, we didn't get a new cow, we got a new bull!
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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by Gorecore » Thu Apr 01, 2010 6:02 pm

A cowboy unknowingly walks into a gay cowboy bar, wipes his sweaty brow, and says to the bartender, "Pardner, I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off the balls of a bull!"
A guy sitting in the corner yells out, "Moo, Moo buckaroo!"

An very old Indian man is walking through his village, carrying a large sack of corn on his back. The old man was feeling quite frisky, so he approaches a beautiful young squaw and asks her to have sex with him. She asked if he had any money and says, "No, but I have this sack of corn I can give you!" to which she replied, "No money, no sex."
The old Indian continued his walk and meets an older Indian woman. She's a little wrinkled and missing 2 front teeth but he doesn't care. He asks the older squaw to have sex with him and again she asks if he has any money, and he offers his bounty of corn, to which she replied, "No money, no sex."
Nearing the edge of his village, the old Indian runs into a haggard old squaw who looks to be 85 years old, if not older. She's all hunched over and barely has a tooth in her head. By now the old man is desperate and asks her for sex and the old squaw asks if he has any money, but again he offers his sack of corn. The old lady nods in approval and lifts up her dress and spreads her ass cheeks for him.
"No, no...I don't want to go there!", protested the old Indian man, and the old haggard squaw points to her pussy and says, "That is money hole" then points to her ass and says, "That is corn hole."
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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by weedguru_waffles » Sat Apr 03, 2010 9:06 pm

A son walks in on his parents, and runs to his room. 20 minutes later the father goes to find the son and grandmother doing dirty things "Not so funny when its your mother is it?" asked the son :P

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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by WeedGuru_Flow » Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:55 am

lol that's just nasty :)
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean, if Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we would all be running around darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music.

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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by Gorecore » Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:45 pm

Heard this one last night at work. Yeah, it's racist, but I work on a night crew, so...

What are 3 things a black man will never get?

-A black eye
-A fat lip
-A job
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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by wgToonces » Sun Apr 04, 2010 1:42 pm

WeedGuru_Flow wrote:hehehe :p

the only one i know is:


A man walks into a lively bar, walks up to the counter and after ordering a few drinks tells the barman "I bet you a fifty dollars I can piss from here into a glass standing on that table without spilling a single drop" which was a couple of yards away. "Alright" the barman says, laughing his ass off.

So the guy takes out his ...hose, and starts pissing all over the place,on the floor,the seats,the stools,just about everywhere.

The barman hoots and laughs and says "haha, I knew you couldn't make it, you owe me fifty!" so the guy hands over the money to the barman with a bigass grin on his face, prompting the barman to ask him why.

The guy responds "well, i made a bet with everyone in this bar that I could piss all over your bar,and you'd laugh about it"



(okay so it comes from From Dusk Till dawn, but hey, it's good) or Desperado, i'm not sure.
Flow you dick this is what I was gonna post!! :P

That's twice now I've went into a thread and thought of my answer to the first post and you fucking post it :twisted:

Tis and excellent joke though.
:scratchs:

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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by Weedguru Higher » Mon Apr 05, 2010 2:12 pm

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.
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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by Bubbles » Tue Apr 06, 2010 4:47 am

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.


***!~!~!~WARNING VERY VERY VERY DISGUSTING JOKES~!~!~!***

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

* What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

* What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later


What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.


What's worse than smoking pot with a baby?
Making a bong out of it

What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by (weedguru)scarf » Tue Apr 06, 2010 12:51 pm

^^^ dude... not even close to funny
woah

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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by wgToonces » Tue Apr 06, 2010 2:43 pm

Yeah man... Dead baby jokes are sick but funny when there's like 1 or 2 but not a whole list of 'em.
:scratchs:

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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by Weedguru Higher » Wed Apr 07, 2010 1:16 pm

Someone sure has a sick sense of humor....

An 85-year-old went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. she tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
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Re: Nothing but the jokes!

Post by flagg » Sat Aug 21, 2010 12:29 pm

Q : Whats the difference between a Hooker and a Drug dealer ?

A : A Hooker can wash her crack and re-sell it .

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